her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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