sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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