The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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