No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I wish you could order shots online.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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