So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
