Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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