I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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