I'm going to jail i love you
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Of course I have a pirate flag
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
