My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
