Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
