Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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