I wish I could teleport
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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