Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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