I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
