it wasn't lemon gatorade
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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