The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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