dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
