I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
