Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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