i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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