i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
