This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
