Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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