What a fucking waste of an outfit
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
