Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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