i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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