I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
