Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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