Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
