its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
