I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Randomize
