he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
