You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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