Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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