Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
