so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Still dying that you shit outside
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
