I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
