We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
