I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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