I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
