Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
