Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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