member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
