I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
