you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
