this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
