I got chris browned last night
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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