did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
