Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
