Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
