can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
