someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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