Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sober January is a disaster.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
