were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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