how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
