Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize