Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
